From today's edition of The Daily Beast:

Proximity to wood causes countless cases of hyperactivity in Britain every year, according to a sensational report published yesterday by the 'whistle-blower' Mother Earth Consortium. Wood may also lead to other 'biohazards' that have not yet been identified.

'Our findings show,' said Dr. Mark Weinberg, bullish leader of the new Nader-style lobby group, 'that wood should be abandoned immediately as a constructional material. Houses, furniture and pencils containing this highly toxic substance must be axed at once.'

This Morning

A spokesman for the Forestry Commission confirmed last night that he was 'concerned' about the shocking findings. A top-level meeting has been convened this morning at which the country's top experts will consider an urgent action plan.

Last night Walter Thule, General Secretary of the Amalgamated Union of Woods men and Allied Trades, slammed the government for 'callous inaction' in the past. 'The entirely...

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