'Our findings show,' said Dr. Mark Weinberg, bullish leader of the new Nader-style lobby group, 'that wood should be abandoned immediately as a constructional material. Houses, furniture and pencils containing this highly toxic substance must be axed at once.'
Last night Walter Thule, General Secretary of the Amalgamated Union of Woods men and Allied Trades, slammed the government for 'callous inaction' in the past. 'The entirely legitimate interests and aspirations of my members have been played fast and loose with,' he warned.
'It is five years since a shock report showed that some of our members were becoming hyperactive,' he lashed. 'Our calls then for a top-level probe were absolutely totally ignored.'
Experiments in which three gerbils were kept, some in wooden hutches and some in wire cages, showed significant differences in their activity levels when exposed to a recording of Aaron Copland's Appalachian Spring, the Australian-born Weinberg said last ...
