New Shock Horror Probe

From today's edition of The Daily Beast: Proximity to wood causes countless cases of hyperactivity in Britain every year, according to a sensational report published yesterday by the 'whistle-blower' Mother Earth Consortium. Wood may also lead to other 'biohazards' that have not yet been identified. 'Our findings show,' said Dr. Mark Weinberg, bullish leader of the new Nader-style lobby group, 'that wood should be abandoned immediately as a constructional material. Houses, furniture and pencils containing this highly toxic substance must be axed at once.' This Morning A spokesman for the Forestry Commission confirmed last night that he was 'concerned' about the shocking findings. A top-level meeting has been convened this morning at which the country's top experts will consider an urgent action plan. Last night Walter Thule, General Secretary of the Amalgamated Union of Woods men and Allied Trades, slammed the government for 'callous inaction' in the past. 'The entirely legitimate interests and aspirations of my members have been played fast and loose with,' he warned. 'It is five years since a shock report showed that some of our members were becoming hyperactive,' he lashed. 'Our calls then for a top-level probe were absolutely totally ignored.' Little Known 'These claims have no foundation whatever,' said Ethel Elderbrige, Minister of State in the Department of Trade and Industry, when traced to her holiday cottage in the New Forest yesterday. 'I have been fully briefed by my officials and am not planning to return to London for quite some time.' Dr. Weinberg, 22, based his report on research first published in the Journal of the Gilbert and Ellice Islands Academy of Sciences in 1946. This work, consisting of laboratory studies 'in the field' has until now been little known. Experiments in which three gerbils were kept, some in wooden hutches and some in wire cages, showed significant differences in their activity levels when exposed to a recording of Aaron Copland's Appalachian Spring, the Australian-born Weinberg said last night. British Bacteria Further evidence comes from tests in which splinters of wood were inserted, using a sophisticated "micro-manipulator' of British design, into bacteria. Some of the bacteria died—itself an alarming development—but over a period of two months, others showed activity level changes thought to be similar to those that have been linked with wood-induced hyperactivity in humans. The Shadow Science Minister, William Garnish, is expected to raise the matter in the House of Commons this afternoon. He will ask the Environment Minister to use the Army in a shock move. Many Decades Similar moves in the Federal Republic of Germany last week led to the destruction of thousands of hectares of the Black Forest. It will be many decades, FRG Ministry of Health chiefs in Bonn stress, before they will know whether the scheme, which followed an emergency meeting after Dr. Weinberg briefed Green Party leaders last Friday, has been entirely successful. Plans are now in hand to monitor the activity level of the entire population of the FRG over the next half-century. As a further precautionary measure, the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra has cancelled a recording session next week that was to have included works by U.S. composer Copland. Our science correspondent writes: Wood is the part of the stem, trunk or branches of plants that is composed of the water-and-solute conducting xylem and associated fibers, especially in perennial plants in which these specialized cells form a considerable mass, as in trees, shrubs and vines. The term wood is also not infrequently used to describe fuel, which in this case means forest products cut to a size suitable for combusting in stoves or open fires. Bacteria are microscopic microorganisms, so small as to be beyond the limits of resolution of the unaided human eye, which live in the rhizosphere, in our very bodies and on rotting animal and vegetable matter. The species employed in this instance has not been specified, but it was probably Escherichia coli, which scientists have used in the past to unlock the secrets of life. The Mother Earth Consortium was set up last month as an independent, nonprofit public interest body concerned with environment and health matters. Its major source of finance is the Belgian Plastics Federation. The Consortium was heavily attacked for a report last week which highlighted the risks of cricket balls. A further shock report on tennis balls is due out shortly." Dixon, who listens to "Appalachian Spring" rather too often, is European editor of The Scientist.

New Shock Horror Probe

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